The 'Truth' About Alien Abductions

I’ve always been mildly fascinated by the alien phenomenon, even before the show X-Files came on telly. I read quite a few books on the subject, and the area that was especially intriguing was alien abduction. There are probably tens of thousands of documented cases, some credible and some, shall we say, less than credible.

So today I took it upon myself to research this matter (read: I googled it). Without much strain on my mouse-hand, I dug up some interesting statistics from this site. Acording to them, these facts are ‘believed to be true’! (Err, what’s a definition of a ‘fact’?). Anyway, here is what they say, with my comments:

92% of all "alien abductions" are at night and dusk.
Ninety-two percent?! That’s high man. Is it because aliens are nocturnal creatures like owls, bats and mat racers ? Or maybe because the daytime sun blinds them so their flying saucers crash land on other planets? This is all very confusing.

70% of the people who've been abducted are women.
No-oo, really?! Whoa, that makes one thing PERFECTLY CLEAR… 70% of aliens are male! Either that or women are more likely to wander around aimlessly alone in cornfields where aliens like to hang out. “Wow, check this out, Kreego, hot babe, 9 o’clock, coming this way, woo-hoo! Get out your Abductor-tron K2000!!!”

88% of people who've been abducted say their abduction wasn't pleasant.
Gee, you don’t say. Getting a metal probe up your anal tract isn’t pleasant? What were you expecting, Bali Four Seasons?

91% of people who've been abducted believe they have a tracking device implant. Metal objects of unknown origin have been removed from some of the people who've been abductor's bodies.
I saw this happen to Agent Scully on X-Files. A small tracking chip was removed from the back of her neck. It supports the whole theory that the aliens are tracking the abductees movement. “Look, Kreego! Human Specimen #3425A3E is now sleeping. Now he’s eating. OK, he’s sleeping again. Now’s he’s eating. He’s going back to sleep. I’m beginning to see a pattern emerge, Kreego…”

87% say their abductors were the famous grey alien.
Just reading that makes me laugh. But seriously though, there’s a few possible explanation. One: There’s actually only one alien abducting everybody. No wonder he’s famous. Two: All alien looks alike. Three: There’s one famous alien, and the rest are his fans that took plastic surgery to look like that celebrity alien.

88% of the people who've been abducted are abducted more than once.
Well, you know what they say, give good service and they’ll come back.

5 out of 1000 people believe they have been "taken" by aliens.
That would mean 150,000 Malaysians (out 30 million) believe they have been abducted before! Somebody MUST have some kind of evidence…videocam footage, camera phone photo, English-Klingon dictionary…

12% believe that theirs was a one-time thing.
“Last night was magic, Kreego, but it was just a one night stand, baby…”