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Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Darth Vader vs. Batman: So Who Is Cooler?

OK, so let’s run them head-to-head, just like in those magazines…

The Ride
Batman – The cool Bat-mobile. So many different versions, but the most popular one is the original long one. With flaming exhaust. As seen in the first movie.
Darth Vader – No specific ride, except a special edition Tie Fighter, as seen in Episode 4. Got his ass kicked by Han Solo.
  • Score 1 for Bats.

The Crib
Batman – He has the Wayne mansion. Yawn. And also the Bat-cave. Housemate? Alfred the butler.
Darth Vader – Death Star. Now this is cool. Plus if some planet is blocking your way, Kaboom!
  • Score 1 for Vader.

The Girls
Batman – Lots of love interests: Julie Madison, Chase Meridien, Vicki Vale, Talia al Ghul, etc. Something about girls being attracted to the strong silent type.
Darth Vader – No love life since Padme Amidala. Anyway, since that incident in the volcano, it has left him, how shall we say, incomplete…
  • Score 1 for Bats.

The Clothes
Batman – Originally, was the cloth suit, then it was rubber/latex, lately he’s more inclined to metal. Worst thing is spending 20 minutes putting on that armour and then you have to pee.
Darth Vader – Metal armour suit. Poofter cape. Shiny helmet with X-ray vision. (“Hot babe coming! Hot babe coming!”). Definitely cooler.
  • Score 1 for Vader.

The Army
Batman – Fights alone. Well, sometimes Robin the Gay Icon helps. But not much. Seeing that kid’s hairy naked legs just turns you off.
Darth Vader – Massive army of Stormtroopers, Battle droids, officers, etc. The ultimate dictator-Dark Lord.
  • Score 1 for Vader.

The Rogue’s Gallery
Batman – The most impressive array of baddies in comic-dom: Joker, Two-Face, Riddler, Bane, Poison Ivy, Scarecrow, Ra’s Al Ghul, Man-Bat. So many more. Whipped everyone of them.
Darth Vader – Hmmm… Betrayed Obi-wan. Killed Mace Windu. Betrayed his own Master, Sidious. Beaten by the rebels.
  • Score 1 for Bats.

Final Score: Tied at 3-3.
Looks like we need to have a rematch. To be continued…

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