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Friday, May 20, 2005

Top Five Reasons Why A Malaysian Can Never Be A Jedi Master

Since the nation is gripped with Anakin/Vader fever, I will be doing Star Wars-themed blogs every day (usually also in a Malaysian context). Well, not every day. I understand you can get sick of this stuff pretty fast. I’ll still be doing the normal moronic blogs about my life. But anyway yesterday, I did one on the Dark Lord of the Sith. Today, to balance out the Force, I’m doing one on the Jedi.


Top Five Reasons Why A Malaysian Can Never Be A Jedi Master by Simon (who can beat the crap out of Yoda anytime):



  • “Wah, this bugger! Simply cut into the queue! You cannot see everyone lining up here is it? Want to see my lightsaber cut off your stupid hand is it?” *SHCWANGG!!!!*


  • Ham sap Jedi Masters will be using the Force to ‘accidentally’ blow up women’s skirts…


  • “OK, OK, I’ve programmed R2-D2 to copy 5 DVD’s per minute… tonight we sell at the pasar malam…”


  • “But Yoda sifu, I know how to levitate the X-Wing already, I also know how to mind-control Stormtroopers already, now can teach me to see 4D number aa?”


  • “Wah, you think your VTEC modified X-Wing can beat my VVT-i Pod racer, meh? So lan si! Come la, we race to that Maxis tower there, loser pay RM1000…”




Top Five Malaysian Part-Time Jobs for Darth Vader (to earn extra money to build the Death Star):



  • ‘Kedai Gunting Unisex Anakin Fairlady – Precision Cut Hair Styling Using Our Latest Lightsaber Technology’


  • “Hmmm...Horrrrr… (heavy breathing)… Do not underestimate the power of Dark Side… So leave your message after the beep… *TOOOT*”


  • And next, we have Vader modeling the new Gianni Versace Fall 2005 fashion line entitled ‘Black is the New Brown’….”


  • “OK, now, Mr Vader, for this last scene of our ad, we need you to will slide across the floor in front of all your dancing Stormtroopers and sing ‘TM Broadbaaaaand, I like the Dark Siiiide…… wo-wo-wo….'”


  • Do you need personal bodyguards? Are rival gangs threatening your territory? Need more members to boost your triad strength? Need help to take revenge on your boss? Why not try Darth Vader’s Stormtrooper-For-Hire Service? Call now at 1-800-DEATHSTAR for unbeatable rates!! First 500 orders get a free TIE Fighter!'


Sometimes my wife says I need to get a life...


Other moronic Star Wars-in-Malaysia posts by Simon:


Top Ten Things That Will Happen If Darth Vader Became the Emperor of Malaysia

Top Ten Most Annoying Habits of Malaysian While Watching Movies

Top Ten Surprises in the New Star Wars Movie

Scenes That You Will NOT See in the New Star Wars Movie

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