Former PM and Drinking Too Much Cola

Two news articles in the Star caught my attention today:

Five-day week plus Cola for civil servants

Quality time: The Government has agreed in principle to a five-day week and a Cost of Living Allowance (Cola) for the country's one million civil servants. Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi said a five-day week would benefit civil servants as they could spend more time with their families.

At first I thought the government is reducing the work day week AND giving civil servants a fizzy drink every week. Oh yeah, sure, like that’s gonna placate Cuepacs. Anyways I found out it was actually Cost of Living Allowances (NOT Coca-Cola).

While some private corporations is pushing their staff to work longer hours (at least 10 hours a day) and longer weeks (no less than 6 days), this must be great news for the civil servants.

But don’t you agree quality of work and service in the 5 working days is also subject to improvement as the quality of life in the 2 days of weekend?


The other important newsfeed of the day:

Dr M: My legacy will speak for me

KUALA LUMPUR: The most important thing in the fight against corruption is to ensure that a culture of viewing the practice as normal and acceptable does not develop, Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad said.
“For me, this is a question of inculcating noble values, not about catching people,” the former prime minister said.
He said this at a press conference at his residence here in response to a column in the Sunday Star by The Star’s deputy group chief editor II Datuk Wong Chun Wai.

Ah, well, there’s gonna be fireworks.


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What to do When You’ve Watched Star Wars Sixteen Times Already…

What to do When You’ve Watched Star Wars Sixteen Times Already… by Simon

• Collect the complete set of Happy Meal toys and re-enact the movie in your own room.
  
  
• Collect the following items: Short aluminium pipe, duct tape, coloured plastic and a fluorescent light tube – and you can make your own lightsaber!
  
  
• Program your Nokia handphone’s polyphonic ringtone to sound like R2-D2.
  
  
• Have an all weekend movie where you can watch all six movies back-to-back, followed by the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the Indiana Jones trilogy (all in just 24 hours straight).
  
  
• Start calling your friends with names of characters from Star Wars : “Hey, there Jabba the Hutt, wanna go for lunch?”
  
  
• Wait patiently for the sequel which will be coming out… er… in 1977.
  
  
• Train your dog/cat to warble like Chewbacca.
  
  
• “Oh My God!! I’ve finally got it! Darth Vader is Luke’s father!”
  
  
• Buy a few bottles of hair growth tonic, splash it daily all over your body, hands and legs, and after two months, you’re a real life Wookie!
  
  
• Put on your old Darth Vader costume, go to a bus-stop full of women…
  

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Should Liverpool Defend The European Cup?

Pros and Cons for Liverpool to play in the Champions League next season... by Simon



Points SUPPORTING Liverpool to play in the Champions League Next Season:

• Champions should be allowed to defend their cup. (Strongest point they have, this one)
  
  
• European big teams support their bid (it would be less embarrassing for them to lose to Liverpool next year, rather than to, say, Partizan Belgrade…)
  
  
• Hey, getting 5th position in the premiership is a BIG achievement. Chelsea, Arsenal and MU have made block booking on the top three spots for the next few seasons, anyway…
  
  
• At least we have a positive goal difference. Look at Everton… And we beat Arsenal, unlike Everton…
  

Points AGAINST Liverpool Playing in Champions League Next Season:

• Strong lobbying from smaller teams, rumoured lead by (surprise, surprise) Everton.
  
  
• So what’s wrong with playing in the UEFA Cup?! Also quite glamour, maa…!
  
  
• First England had 3 Champions League spots. Then it was increased to 4. Now they want 5. Very soon the EPL is gonna look like this:
  
  
  
  • 20th to 18th spot – Relegated to Coca Cola Championship
    
  • 17th to 14th spot – UEFA Cup
    
  • 13th to 1st spot – Qualify for Champions League.
    

(Congratulations to all LFC fans. And apologies, its just a joke la… )



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MCA Party Elections: Political-Speak

The MCA internal elections are back again. Quite a few high profile faces are facing challenges, although this time around things are not as spicy as the last elections involving the ‘MCA & MCB’ factions.

Support for MCA, just like politics in Malaysia, has seen waning support from the urban English speaking Chinese. Not because MCA is becoming unpopular, more because the younger generation are less socio-politically conscious, having more things to occupy their short attention span.

Anyway, as is the norm with Malaysian political party elections, the players will always use the same old tried and tested political-speak, which we will inevitably read in the papers (most of them not limited to MCA only, applicable to ALL Malaysian parties):

• “I did not want to contest, but the requests to run for election from my grassroot support level was overwhelming…”
  
  
• “So-and-so is too old and its time for him/her to step down to make way for younger leaders/newer blood.”
  
  
• The inevitable mention of the following issues/terms: ‘money politics’, ‘UTAR’, ‘underhand tactics’, ‘yam seng dinners’, ‘last minute campaigning’, etc.
  
  
• Plenty of snappy and quotes from ‘political analyst’, ‘party insider’ or ‘one leader’ all who refuse to be named.
  
  
• The inevitable mention of the infamous defamatory ‘surat layang’ or ‘SMS layang’ (actually this tactic is more popular in another party)
  
  
• “The fact that there is a contest for the vice-presidents’ post shows that democracy is alive and well in the party…”
  
  
• None of the politicians will ever dare to mention our PM’s (or DPM’s) name.
  
  
• Politician X is disappointed in losing the elections but accepts the decision of the delegates. He is also ready to work together with the winner, Politician Y.
  
  
• “Our party election is like a fish head…”
  
  
• And when the elections are over and the dust has settled, the president will say, “It’s time to close ranks and work together for the sake of party unity.” (Only they won’t, grudges are borne until the next election…)
  

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Top Twelve Things Batman Finds Annoying

Man, this has been a tiring week at work. And for the next two weeks while everybody else is going on family vacations in conjunction with the school semester break, I’ll be stuck in endless meetings at the office.

The other day I was bottled up in a 15-minute discussion that dragged on for 1 and a half hours. Most of the time I was sitting there frowning at the people talking, I was thinking about the new Batman movie coming soon. I know the Star Wars force is still strong, but the Dark Knight’s hype machine has also started.

Anyway, this is the result of the meeting.


Top Twelve Things Batman Finds Annoying:

• When he doesn’t have time to do laundry and puts on dirty underwear, everyone can tell.
  
  
• Superman has Lois & Clark and Smallville TV shows. Batman has only that cheesy 60’s comedy series.
  
  
• Seeing Robin and his hairy bare legs just turns you off. Especially when its bloody cold.
  
  
• Have you tried pushing stupid Batmobile to the nearest Shell when it runs out of petrol? And have you tried parallel parking that elephant? In KL?!
  
  
• Robin and Batgirl keeps using the Bat-computer for their midnight Counterstrike Deathmatch sessions.
  
  
• Spend 20 minutes snapping on that armoured metal Batsuit and suddenly you have to pee.
  
  
• When you’re involved in a fist-fight with dangerous villains, those annoying words keep popping up (KA-pow! BLAM!)
  
  
• “Dammit! Why can’t I fly like Superman and Shazam?!”
  
  
• Every time people see you together with Robin, they automatically assume you’re gay…
  
  
• Now with Joker dead and the Penguin & Riddler in jail, the only villains left to fight Ah Long the Malaysian Pirated VCD King ("Tiger of Kepong") and Datuk Tan Sri the Evil Corrupted Politician.
  
  
• “I only have 5 movies so far. Darth Vader, that poofter in the black dress has 6 movies!!”
  
  
• Elektra still refuses to go out on a date with him. (“Sorry, I just don’t like the silent type…”)
  

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EPL: Team by Team Tagline Review

I thought of doing a team by team review of this season’s English Premier League, but I guess there isn’t much to say that hasn’t been done so. So I thought, screw it. Let’s just give a snappy tagline to describe their entire season. Listed here, 20 teams, according to their finishing position in the table...


Chelsea – Muahahahar, money DOES buy success.

Arsenal – Hey, at least we won SOMETHING.
(I’m trying to be non-partisan here…)

Man United – We still THINK we’re the best club in England…

Everton – How to Play With 9 Defenders and One Striker Or Now who wants to buy Cahill for 20 million?

Liverpool – Why didn't we sack Houllier earlier?!

Bolton – Los Geriatricos: Get awesome free signings, pay through your nose for sky-high salaries.

Middlesbrough – Yawn…

Man City – Shaun Wright-Phillips. And nine other outfield players. And a bumbling goalie.

Tottenham – Let’s see how long this manager lasts…

Aston Villa – We have succeeded in achieving our target of … mid-table obscurity…

Charlton – Hey, look at Scott Parker behind the Chelsea bench!

Birmingham – Were they even playing this season?

Fulham – Damn, remember the good old days when we still had Saha?

Newcastle – All that money and nothing to show. Or Shearer, please stay on for another embarrassing season.

Blackburn – same tagline as Birmingham.

Portsmouth – Hahahaha! Look at Southampton and Redknapp!!

West Brom – What an exhilarating relegation dogfight! Wow, let’s do it again this season!

C Palace – Hey, Andy! Next season ‘get’ us more penalties!

Norwich – We dared to dare like Proton, and failed.

Southampton – Cheap sale! Players and manager going for cheap sale!!



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Best Advice My Teachers Ever Gave Me

Some time ago was Teacher’s Day. I think. Never thought about it for the last umpteen years since leaving school. My mom (who wasn’t a teacher) said this lot had the best jobs in Malaysia – half day work, 2 day weekends, 10 weeks of school holidays every year, etc. This was many years ago when teachers weren’t required to spend Saturdays and holidays doing all that ‘extra co-curricular activities’ crap.

Anyway, I had some really cool teachers in my time, and some really moronic ones. Here’s ten words of wisdom that were really given to me by them. I kid you not.


Best Advice My Teachers Ever Gave Me by Simon (who did NOT become a teacher. Hell didn’t freeze over yet).

• “Take Principle of Accounts, lah. Very easy to score, one.”
  
  
• “Write bigger. Most SPM examiners are short sighted.”
  
  
• “You want to do well in my final exams? Come to my tuition class lah!”
  
  
• “Don’t become a teacher. The pay is crap.”
  
  
• “You better study hard, or else you end up like us.”
  
  

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Here’s a Good Way to Get Mentioned in the Newspapers

Dress up as Darth Vader and flash yourself (yes, as in expose yourself naked) at a group of ladies waiting at the bus-stop. Better yet, flash yourself at a newspaper reporter and photographer.

Here’s another tip. Choose a slow news day. You don’t want to go to all that trouble to dress up and risk being arrested, hoping to make the front page of the Star, only to be pushed to page 3 by the Perodua Myvi launch.

And make sure you choose your victims. The last thing you want to hear when you flash at them is:

• “Oh dear, what a *tiny* ‘lightsabre’!”
  
  
• “OK girls, remember what I taught you in KARATE class, let’s take down this PERVERT!!!”
  
  
• “Woohoo! The male stripper for my bridal shower is finally here! Shake that moneymaker!!!”
  
  
• “Finally, Lord Vader, I have been waiting for you all these years…WHOOSH (sound of blue lightsabre shooting up)”
  

(If you still don't understand, read today's Star...)


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Doctor, Doctor

My blog hasn’t been updated as often as I’d like this week, I’ve been feeling very sick these few days. In addition to that, I’ve been quite busy, no time to go to see my unsympathetic doctor. I've only been to the doctor twice in the past 12 months. Once for suspected dengue, once for a bad case of throat infection.

Speaking of going to the doctor, I’m reminded of a story my friend SA once told me when we were in university together. He was attending a sekolah asrama penuh (fully-residential secondary school) in Perak. His was quite a strict school, you couldn’t go home from college unless it was the term holidays or if you were sick.

So if he was quite homesick or desperate for some good home-cooked food, this is what he and his classmates would do: They would swallow a tube of toothpaste! Colgate or Darlie, it didn’t matter, the whole idea was to get a stomach-ache, and the accompanying cold forehead, shivers and/or slight temperature, all just to fool the resident doctor to give them a permission slip to go home for an extended weekend. Seemingly this 'tactic' was quite successful, since the doctor probably thought the students were not dumb enough to actually ingest a whole tube of toothpaste for the sake of going home.

This ‘tactic’ was also employed in the university days. The guys would give pathetic excuses like ‘stomachache’ or ‘headache’ (if for girls, ‘period pain’) to get an MC to skip classes or minor tests.

I never used these ‘tactics’ since I’m already at the clinic often enough with legitimate reasons (those days). In my final year, I heard the doctors wised up to the bogus ‘stomachache’ claims, everytime a guy used that complaint, the female doctor would ask the boy to strip off, slap on a latex glove and do an actual anal probe (I don’t know if this ‘exploratory’ service was extended to the girls, I’ve never heard them complain about it).

So, genuine stomach pains or not, drop your pants. Most fakers would just say something about, “Eh-heh, I think I’ll bear with the pain, lah….” or "It's a miracle! I'm healed!"

Can’t wait for the weekend.

You Know Malaysians Are Too Crazy Over Star Wars When…

You Know Malaysians Are Too Crazy Over Star Wars When… by Simon (who last night taught Darth Vader how to operate his VCR)


…when they start using C8< as the Darth Vader Emoticon… (tilt your head sideways. Yes, Simon invented it!!!)


…when police fix their breathalyzers to produces a deep breath sound…


…clinics report increase in minor head injuries to children as a result of “lightsabre duels” using sticks, brooms, etc.


…Darth Vader is the guest judge on Malaysian Idol (As suggested by Twinsmom).


…UPM successfully cross-breed new cat species that looks like Wookies.


…three minutes of air-time in the movie will result in a happy-meal toy, an action figure, comic spin-off…


…pirated VCDs hit the streets earlier than the actual movie.


…when Toys R Us sells Tickle Me Yoda toys.


…when my 7-year old asthmatic nephew starts having hallucinations of taking over the Empire (overdose of Ventolin is not good for you).


…latest popular names from Jabatan Pendaftaran Negara – Mohd Anakin, Grevious Tan, Ben Oh Bee Wan, Sidious Pasamanickam, etc.




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Sneak Preview of the Toyota Innova

Since the world didn’t end today as predicted by Nostradamus, I’m taking a break from satirical or humour blogs.

Yesterday on the way back from shopping I decided to go and check out the new Chevrolet Sparks and Optra5. I’m not at all interested in buying a car, let alone a Daewoo-pretending-to-be-an-American Chevrolet, but I just like to look at new cars in showrooms and make life difficult for those over-enthusiastic sales people.

Turning into side road, I saw a banner for the Toyota Innova (Kijang) at Toyota showroom, which was 2 doors away from the Chevvy place. Entering the large hall, I there wasn’t an Innova in sight, just the usual gleaming Hiluxes, Camrys and Avanzas. So I asked the salesman, “Where’s the Innova?”

To which he replied, “Not launched yet. But if you want to ‘see’ it, you can go down to Basement 2…”

Waah! Got ‘secret viewing room’ one aah?! OK, I didn’t mind going doing to this ‘covert underground facility’ to see Toyota’s secret weapon, so I followed the smartly-dressed salesman down two floors to the parking basement.

The floor was entirely empty, save for a few Toyota show vehicles (Avanza, Vios, Unser) obviously used for test driving. But there was one metallic brown ‘Kijang’.

It looked solid, with high specs (I won’t go into details, since it’s still not launched yet) but I couldn’t see the interior, since it was locked. Most auto guys actually are quite familiar with this model, since it was launched earlier in Indonesia.

But get this, they actually taped a small piece of paper over the ‘Toyota’ and ‘Innova’ logo. With a cellophane tape! Wow! Hi-tech security!

With the true 8 seat cabin space (unlike the ‘7 seater’ Citra & Avanza for midgets and pygmies), tough suspension, VVT-i, dual airbags, etc and RM90k to RM100k, it will sell VERY well. I can foresee a few months waiting period, just like a certain recent model…

The sales guys even said this, “It will kill the Naza Ria.” (HE said it, not me…)

And by the way, both the Sparks (reminded me something about fried chicken) and Optra5 (still a Korean car) didn’t look appealing to me.



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Top Ten Things To Do On Saturday Nights Now that the EPL is Over

Top Ten Things To Do On Saturday Nights Now that the EPL is Over by Simon (who, by the way, used to play left-back for Arsenal back in ’82):

• Wander around aimlessly from one mamak to another mumbling to yourself, “My beloved Tottenham should have won it! We were robbed of the title! Jol is better than Shankly, he’s a legend…!”
  
  
• Try to remember back your wife/girlfriend/children’s names.
  
  
• Time to get off your lazy bum and go play some REAL football / futsal for a change!
  
  
• Who says the season is over? You still watch (and re-watch) your vast collection of videotaped matches… (and bore your friends with your tedious match analyses)
  
  
• Start a letter-writing campaign to John Dykes of ESPN-Star to kick out that arrogant and annoying Shebby Singh (“Well, you know, John, as a defender myself...” Puh-leez.)
  
  
• Volunteer as a coach for your son’s/nephew’s school team and use your vast knowledge of football theories and tactics to win the MSSD championship.
  
  
• Continue to live out your managerial fantasies on Championship Manager 5 (or Football Manager 5…)
  
  
• Watch the Malaysian Super League. (AHAHAHAHahahaha…!)
  
  
• Start collecting spare change from all your friends and neighbours to raise 200 million pounds to a controlling stake in a EPL team to challenge Abrahamovic and Glazer.
  
  
• Watch golf. (Yawn. Yeah, right.)
  

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Do We Not Bleed

Yes, I am crying, although I am a man.

But has not a man eyes? Has not a man hands, limbs, heart, thoughts and passions

Does he not live by the same food,

is he not wounded by the same weapons,

warmed and cooled by the same summer and winter as a woman?

If you prick us do we not bleed?

If you tickle us do we not laugh?

If you poison us, do we not die?

Why should a man be forbidden to

Complain, or a soldier to weep?

Because it is unmanly?

Why is it unmanly?

August Strindberg, quoting William Shakespeare's 'Merchant of Venice'

My friend was mugged 2 weeks before his wedding. Damn robbers. There is a God, whether you believe in Him or not. Life is short, but the afterlife is eternal.



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Too Many Star Wars Blogs

(Since there’s been complaints about too many Star Wars blogs topics here, I’ll blog about something else.)



Chong Kiat – Eh, hi Rahman… How come you’re early today? No traffic jam?

Rahman – Oh, hi Kiat! Well, you know Sunday is Wesak, long weekend. Most of our colleagues in this division are also on leave.

Chong Kiat – Yeah, since there are so few of us, boss surely will have a lot of things to do.

Rahman – so did you watch that documentary on Evolution of Plant Life in the Dessert Environment last night? It was on National Geographic, what a fascinating show! The pro-generation mechanisms of these fauna under intense conditions are miraculous…

Chong Kiat – No, I didn’t catch that one, but I think my wife taped it for me. I was quite tired after finishing my thesis for the PhD programme, so I decided to spend a quiet evening finishing up Jurisprudence. You know my current obsession with law stuff.

Rahman – yes, I loved that one. That’s the Hagwell edition, right? So how’s the thesis coming along? You’re due for another presentation next week, right?

Chong Kiat – Yes, I defending my theory of symbiotic resurgence in embryonic Alaskan salamanders against Professor Haldon and Dr. Nik Mazwin… should be interesting… are you coming to watch?

Rahman – no, I think I’ll be at the Young CEO conference at the Convention Centre. Oh here, let me help you with that uniform.

Chong Kiat – Oh, thanks. This new model is so heavy. I’ll help you strap on the helmet. Got it?

Rahman – OK, lets get to work. We’re not paid to sit around chit-chatting. I’ll talk to you later on your thesis, love to hear about it…

Chong Kiat – Sure thing, Rahman. Here comes the boss…


Commander – ALL RIGHT, ALL STORMTROOPERS DIVISION 4 ALPHA SQUADRON… PLEASE REPORT TO LAUNCH DECK 6 OF DEATH STAR. LORD VADER WILL BE ENTERING SOON… REMEMBER, REBELS MUST DIE…



(Sorry, 5xmom, I can’t help it!!!)




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Top Five Reasons Why A Malaysian Can Never Be A Jedi Master

Since the nation is gripped with Anakin/Vader fever, I will be doing Star Wars-themed blogs every day (usually also in a Malaysian context). Well, not every day. I understand you can get sick of this stuff pretty fast. I’ll still be doing the normal moronic blogs about my life. But anyway yesterday, I did one on the Dark Lord of the Sith. Today, to balance out the Force, I’m doing one on the Jedi.


Top Five Reasons Why A Malaysian Can Never Be A Jedi Master by Simon (who can beat the crap out of Yoda anytime):

• “Wah, this bugger! Simply cut into the queue! You cannot see everyone lining up here is it? Want to see my lightsaber cut off your stupid hand is it?” *SHCWANGG!!!!*
  
  
  
• Ham sap Jedi Masters will be using the Force to ‘accidentally’ blow up women’s skirts…
  
  
  
• “OK, OK, I’ve programmed R2-D2 to copy 5 DVD’s per minute… tonight we sell at the pasar malam…”
  
  
  
• “But Yoda sifu, I know how to levitate the X-Wing already, I also know how to mind-control Stormtroopers already, now can teach me to see 4D number aa?”
  
  
  
• “Wah, you think your VTEC modified X-Wing can beat my VVT-i Pod racer, meh? So lan si! Come la, we race to that Maxis tower there, loser pay RM1000…”
  

Top Five Malaysian Part-Time Jobs for Darth Vader (to earn extra money to build the Death Star):

• ‘Kedai Gunting Unisex Anakin Fairlady – Precision Cut Hair Styling Using Our Latest Lightsaber Technology’
  
  
  
• “Hmmm...Horrrrr… (heavy breathing)… Do not underestimate the power of Dark Side… So leave your message after the beep… *TOOOT*”
  
  
  
• “And next, we have Vader modeling the new Gianni Versace Fall 2005 fashion line entitled ‘Black is the New Brown’….”
  
  
  
• “OK, now, Mr Vader, for this last scene of our ad, we need you to will slide across the floor in front of all your dancing Stormtroopers and sing ‘TM Broadbaaaaand, I like the Dark Siiiide…… wo-wo-wo….'”
  
  
  
• ‘Do you need personal bodyguards? Are rival gangs threatening your territory? Need more members to boost your triad strength? Need help to take revenge on your boss? Why not try Darth Vader’s Stormtrooper-For-Hire Service? Call now at 1-800-DEATHSTAR for unbeatable rates!! First 500 orders get a free TIE Fighter!'
  

Sometimes my wife says I need to get a life...


Other moronic Star Wars-in-Malaysia posts by Simon:

Top Ten Things That Will Happen If Darth Vader Became the Emperor of Malaysia

Top Ten Most Annoying Habits of Malaysian While Watching Movies

Top Ten Surprises in the New Star Wars Movie

Scenes That You Will NOT See in the New Star Wars Movie

Top Ten Things That Will Happen If Darth Vader Became the Emperor of Malaysia

Top Ten Things That Will Happen If Darth Vader Became the Emperor of Malaysia by Simon (who by way, is the father of Princess Leia's secret love-child):

• New national anthem – ‘Negaraku’ replaced with humming the cool Imperial March.
  
  
  
• Use of the ‘Force’ to kill any cabinet minister that opposes his view.
  
  
  
• During ribbon cutting ceremonies, he uses lightsaber instead of scissors.
  
  
  
• Crime reaches all time low when the police force is replaced by the Stormtroopers.
  
  
  
• Black robes become the new fashion craze.
  
  
  
• Who needs the RMAF and their hopeless Nuri helicopters? Bring on the TIE Fighters!

• Ampang Jaya is renamed ‘Anakin Jaya’, Melaka is renamed ‘Death Star City’, Sik is now called ‘Sith’.

• A new subject in the KBSR curriculum – ‘Heavy Breathing and Deep Scary Voice’.

• Everyone will wear T-shirts with slogans like “Jedis are losers”, “Eat this, Obi-Wan”, “Luke, I am your Father”, “Vader Rocks”, “Yoda Loves Miss Piggy”, etc.
  
  
• During UN or ASEAN meetings, NOBODY interrupts the Dark Lord of the Sith when he is talking.




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Top Ten Ways for NST to Increase Readership

I used to read NST for more than 18 years when growing up. Now I’ve switched to another leading paper, and NST readership has dropped drastically according to latest surveys. I can’t really pin-point the reasons it has become unpopular, but I can suggest some ways reach out to a wider target audience.

• Publish newspaper in 4 different sizes – extra large (for those with eyesight problems), large, small and A4-size (for reading in LRT).
  
  
• Publish daily-continuing soap-opera stories ala Dallas or Dynasty to keep people coming back everyday.
  
  
• More Lat comics.
  
  
• Give free Perodua Myvi with every yearly subscription.
  
  
• Have more niche-market pullouts – for example: Bonsai planting, spotlight on Telenovela Latin Amerika, weekly features on weird bloggers, etc.
  
  
• Scrap those un-funny and pathetic cartoons like Super Arang Man and Tok Guru.
  
  
• Free daily coupons to get 20 sen off the Star.
  
  
• Page Three Girls.
  
  
• Thought-provoking, free thinking, hard-hitting journalism not conforming to any unwritten rules that stifle freedom of speech. (No wait, that would be asking too much...)
  
  
• And finally, (strictly for MJ fans) Page Four Boys.

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Searching for Your Soulmate

Although I wrote a blog poking fun at the types of Malaysian boyfriends available for girls to find, this can be a very serious matter for most people. Some people go through plenty of heartache through failed or painful relationships, some people find their soulmates waiting for them around the corner.

And some people go through their entire life forever looking, but never finding that him or her.

In terms of finding a partner for life (for better or for worse), there are generally two schools of thought. The former believe that there is only one person out there destined for you, you have to find that particular person, that one perfect soulmate. Anyone else can be a good partner, but they are ultimately not the right one for. Although this perception holds some truth, it is often used as a excuse when a certain relationship goes wrong.

The second school of thought professes that there is no special someone, we have to work to make any relationship work, the success or failure of any relationship depend solely on how much the two parties want it to work or put into it. Therefore, a person must choose carefully the character and traits of the person he or she wants to date, if certain prerequisites are not met, then the relationship will most likely fail. Both views are wildly popular, not bounded by race, religion or upbringing.

But what do I believe in? I used to believe in one extreme (I won't say which), but I later held that there is a middle road. It is a combination of the two opposing views, i.e. there is a certain group of people (not a single person) that are right for you, but having found one, you still have to put your heart and soul into the person to make it work. There is no easy way in a relationship, you only get what you put in. But that really doesn’t mean if you marry someone that isn’t ‘right’ for you, it will end up on the rocks. I also believe that if the couple love one and another, nothing much can really stand in their way.

I never really went ‘looking’ for a girlfriend. But one night many years ago, I was bumming around in my friend’s office at night, waiting to go somewhere with him, an angel in a brown dress walk through the door. Through some divine intervention, she now bears my family name. At that instant when I saw her through the doorway, I didn’t really think of whether she REALLY was my soulmate or not, or about making it work: I just saw an angel.

This post is dedicated to JG & SL, getting married soon. In life, sometimes we find that there is no true love for us, or that a chance that has gone could’ve been the One. But as I used to tell my long-suffering friend El,

“It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.”

Millions of lonely hearts are out there looking for love every day, every night. Some find it, some never do in their lifetime. But love, just like life, should always go on.



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Grooming Tips for Office Guys

I’ve been working for many years now, at many different levels. I’ve been a lowly trainee, entry level staff, mud-caked contractor, holier-than-thou consultant, middle management to manager (well, sort of).

To all those guys just starting work or going to, here’s some personal grooming advice that may seem corny, but will help you a lot in your job in the long run (and believe me, it will).

Shave everyday – Yes, this is corny and you may think that your office doesn’t really mind these minor issues; I work as a graphic designer, etc. I’ve been guilty of this at least once every week. But guess what, most Malaysians don’t look great in 3-day old stubble. Even if you don’t deal with clients or outsiders, shaving everyday gives an image of good personal hygiene; not shaving basically says you’re lazy and messy.

Iron your shirts – Before you say you don’t have time to iron, let me just say the sight of a creased shirt is off-putting enough to warrant you to do it. In my previous job a senior manager came down from the HQ to interview the staff and audit the site office morale. He was snooty and spoke in this faux Queen’s English accent, but his RM200 shirt looked like it came from the laundry basket. If you’re really that busy, buy those non-crease shirts. Besides, girls dig smart and neat dudes.

Dress smartly - This is in relation to the earlier one. Unless you work in an architectural or advertising where dressing properly is a heinous crime, you must always make an attempt to dress smartly. That means no jeans, no T-shirts, no parachute pants (those pants with pockets at side of the knees, usually worn by electricians), no army pants, no sandals, etc. My previous manager at the construction wore neat long sleeved shirts and slacks everyday to work, even though he spent like 6 hours a day under the sun or 4 inches in the mud. It gives the perception of authority and discipline, and besides it would be presentable to greet any visitor or person of authority entering the site.

Wear clean shoes and good socks – I’m also always guilty of this. Suddenly you are required to go somewhere where you have to take off your shoes (carpeted office, Japanese restaurant, etc) nobody wants to see your smelly socks with your toes sticking out of holes. My boss is also a stickler for clean, shiny shoes.

Being well groomed isn’t about spending a lot of money, its about taking good care of what you have and buying the right quality.




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Top Ten Most Annoying Habits of Malaysian While Watching Movies

Top Ten Most Annoying Habits of Malaysian While Watching Movies by Simon (who, by the way hasn’t been in a cinema for a long, long time):

• “OK, you see are, this part! This part! The hero’s going to get killed!!”
  
  
  
• Morons sitting bwhind you who kick your chair every time they get excited.
  
  
  
• “Hello, hello. Yes, yes, can talk, can, can. Watching movie, watching movie. Star Wars, Star Wars…” (They MUST repeat everything at least once!)
  
  
  
• Eating kuaci and throwing the husks on the floor like this is the Bentong Cathay cinema in 1984.
  
  
  
• Couples next to you getting fresh with one another like this is Bukit Gasing at night.
  
  
  
• Laughing hysterically at the Nokia “Turn off your handphone” ad. Even though they’ve seen it a thousand times.
  
  
  
• NOT turning off their handphones even after they’ve seen that Nokia ad a thousand times.
  
  
  
• Incontinent morons who have get up and pee 4 times during a 90 minute movie.
  
  
  
• “Daddy, daddy, why that guy in the movie like that, one? What is he saying? Daddy, Daddy that one is the brother, aah? Daddy, Daddy why…”
  
  
  
• WAHH!! SO GOOD, MAN!!! THAT DARTH VADER IS SO COOL!! RIGHT OR NOT, JOE?!!” (while clapping hysterically).

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Life Is Like Snooker...

Back in the day when snooker was the craze in Malaysia, I played quite a bit. This was when they showed that Pot Black series on TV and every urban street corner had a snooker centre or ‘pusat rekreasi’.

These snooker centres were all the same, dark, smoky, smell of cheap cigarettes and smelly toilets, and patronized by mat rocks, small-time gangsters, off duty taxi drivers, schoolkids playing hooky and slackers like my friends & me. Some played real snooker, some played billiards (hardcore snooker kakis regard it as a game for sissies) and the gamblers played lucky ball.

My friends said I had a knack for it; I loved it almost instantly (that was before I played with Pat who used to cream me).

Most people think snooker is just a flaky game, but if you spend too much time inhaling the dust from the blue cue chalk, things can get philosophical, snooker becomes more than game, it helps you see life in a whole new meaning.


(Yes, Simon HAS been inhaling too much of that blue cue chalk.)



For the freedom fighter against British colonists:
"Life is like SNOOKER, the WHITE man comes and pushes the all other races and colours around."


For the environmentalists:
"Life is like SNOOKER, the world is a flat, green paradise."


For the pessimist:
"Life is like SNOOKER, we all fall into a deep dark hole and cannot get out."


For the downtrodden peasant:
"Life is like SNOOKER, this big prick comes and prods us all the time."


For the Black Supremacy / Black Panther activist:
"Life is like SNOOKER, the BLACK man will be the last man standing on earth."


For the China Communist Party stalwart:
"Life is like SNOOKER, the Red Army outnumbers everyone 15 to 1."


For the Malaysian Chinese Gambler:
"Life is like SNOOKER, one ball two ringgit la, we play three frames…"



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Top Ten Things You DON’T Want to Hear in a Crowded Elevator

Top Ten Things You DON’T Want to Hear in a Crowded Elevator by Simon (who thankfully, works at the ground floor):

• “OK, good. This elevator doesn’t have a camera.”
  
  
• “The walls are closing in… This is the end…”
  
  
• “Say, how do you un-jam this pistol?”
  
  
• “You want to know what happens in the last scene of Revenge of the Sith?”
  
  
• “Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in…”
  
  
• “OK, boys, remember your Al-Qaeda training…”
  
  
• “Oh, silly me, I accidentally pressed the buttons to all 40 floors!”
  
  
• “I hope everybody here has had chicken pox before!”
  
  
• “Sir, are you interested in our free Gold Credit Card?”
  
  
• “Mummy, I need to go, NOW!”

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The Types of Malaysian Boyfriends Available

I know many girls in the 23 to 30 years old marrying-age category. Living away from home in the city, working a first job and/or studying part time. All of them are looking for that special guy to be their boyfriend, the Mr. Right, so to speak. But the problem is that there are too many guys out there, some are great; some are not. As a guide to all my girl pals, here’s a list what you’ll probably find out there…:

(Disclaimer: Before i get any spam from girls who say their boyfriends are like Brad Pitt and Bill Gates rolled into one, these are SOME of the types available, NOT ALL. OK?)

Racer Boy – Works as a middle-level executive in some big corporation (that affords a lot of personal free time) but the ONE DEFINING character – in love with his modified car. Usually drives a Japanese model like Honda City or Nissan Skyline. Spends about a thousand ringgit a month on strut bars, mufflers, body kits, turbo engine, cold air intake, blinking colourful lights all over the car, etc. (Keng will know what I’m talking about…)

• Pros – you get to ride a car that’s the envy of hundreds of mat motors and other wannabe mat racers.
  
• Cons – boyfriend spends more time and money on his ride than on you.

Corporate Climber – Works in a multi-nat corp or a big 5 accounting firm. Works until 10pm every night because ‘boss is demanding’, ‘that’s the work culture’ or ‘there’s tons of work’. Works even on Saturdays or Sundays. Always says he’s going to spend some time with you but always stands you up for some deadline.

• Pros – If you pick the right one, you could be sitting on a gold mine. Could be the next partner of KPMG or VP of Accenture. If it happens you will be on easy street…
  
• Cons – You spend a lot of time waiting for him to pick you up. He says he’ll come at 8, now it’s almost 9.30pm… He also forgot your last birthday.

The Happy-go-lucky Dude - Now this is a fun guy to be with. Loves parties, hanging out with his friends at the mamak, brings you out shopping all the time, loves video games, probably watches lots of movies and English football. In short can really show you a good time if you’re dating him.

• Pros- Fun guy to date. All your friends love him. Even your mother thinks he’s a hottie.
  
• Cons- No ambition. 5 years later he’s working at the same job with the same pay. And a smaller car.

The Pretty Boy – Dresses in immaculate clothes, neatly pressed and matching colours. Goes for facials and manicures. Hair is always well-groomed, uses more beauty products than most girls. Usually a neat-freak too, every thing in his room is arranged in alphabetical order and color coded. Loves Oprah. Very popular with the girls in his office…

• Pros- Be the envy of all your friends. His beauty tips are better than those in Cosmopolitan. Plus he can do facial and your hair for you- free.
  
• Cons – He’s prettier than you. Other guys think he’s gay.

The Silent Type – The strong silent type. Normal in every way, good job, good family, nice car, but doesn’t say much.

• Pros – Good listener, doesn’t bore you with his problems, dependable and your parents love him.
  
• Cons – Two years into a relationship you find out all about his anal retentive issues (must always brush his teeth 4 times a day, etc) and psychological problems with over-domineering mother and bullying father, allergic to flowers and every kind of seafood, horrible fear of clowns and commitment…

(The blogger INSISTS he’s not any type of boyfriend/husband listed above, regardless what his wife says…)



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I Know Who's The Next American Idol!!!

Right, here's my theory:

Season One = Kelly Clarkson = White Gal

Season Two = Ruben Studdard = Black Guy

Season Three = Fantasia Barrino = Black Gal

Season Four = WHITE GUY = BO BICE !!!


Get it?


Look, I can't prove that the producers may have a hand in decided the results of the show in any way, but all I'm saying is that they there isn't anything they wouldn't do for the sake of ratings. Let's just say they would rather not alienate any particular segment (of race, sex, colour, religion) or of the voting public, if they had their way (and they do...)

And I'm not saying that America is entirely a racist nation, but at the end of the day, just like any other place on earth (including Malaysia) they vote along racial lines.

I like Carrie and Vonzell too, I think all of them deserve a fair shot at the crown. But so too did Anwar, but apparently, his talent did not appeal to a broader spectrum of voters.

Anyway, I hope I'm wrong. It's just a conspiracy theory on my part...



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Another Blogger Quits

Ah, darn it. Just found out yesterday Shan is quitting her blog. There goes another decent, honest blog that I like. I must say that in the Malaysian blogosphere, this is something REALLY hard to find.

I can understand the problem that lead to the closure, just like the rest of us she was a victim of uncontrollable circumstances. But I guess most of the time we have to live with the consequences of decisions beyond our control. That’s the part sometimes really makes me menyampah.

In nature there are neither rewards nor punishment - there are consequences.
Robert G. Ingersoll

I hope one day you’ll start blogging again (maybe anonymously) but let me know it’s you, OK?



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Top Ten Malaysian Secret Conspiracy Theories

Top Ten Malaysian Secret Conspiracy Theories by Simon (who may not be who he actually say he is):

• The Petronas Twin Towers was initially planned to be the Triple Towers, it was not until after completion they realized the construction plans were partially torn off.
  
  
• The National Service is only a cover for a gomen operation aimed at brainwashing Malaysian youths into efficient killing machines.
  
  
• If you travel along the Middle Ring Road II (MRR2) at midnight over long periods, evil spirits will carry your car back to where you started.
  
  
• If you look carefully at the old one ringgit note from the 70’s, you can see a partially hidden Gudang Garam logo.
  
  
• Karpal Singh is actually Samy Vellu’s long lost brother separated at birth.
  
  
• 5xmom is not really a demure housewife in Penang. Behind the façade, she’s the feared lady boss of the biggest illegal Da Ma Cai (4D betting) syndicate in Southeast Asia!
  
  
• Mona Fandey did not get executed. She’s living under a witness protection programme as a karipap seller somewhere in Temerloh.
  
  
• Wira the OrangUtan (the Commonweath Games mascot) is actually a gay icon.
  
  
• There is a secret hoard of ancient Portuguese treasure hidden under the Dataran Merdeka.
  
  
• Ever notice why you never see any photos of Simon the blogger? Simon & Jeff Ooi = SAME PERSON!!!
  

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If I Could Be...

Yikes!!! Ive been sucked in to this. I've just been tagged .... by a llama-rider...


What follows is a list of different occupations.
The reader must select at least five of them.
The reader may add more if they like to the list before they pass it on (after the reader select five of the items as it was passed to the reader).
Of the five selected, the reader is to finish each phrase with what he would do as a member of that profession. Then pass it on to three other bloggers.



Here’s that list: (My additions are in bold) :

If [Reader] could be a scientist // If [Reader] could be a farmer
If [Reader] could be a musician // If [Reader] could be a doctor
If [Reader] could be a painter // If [Reader] could be a gardener
If [Reader] could be a missionary // If [Reader] could be a chef
If [Reader] could be an architect // If [Reader] could be a linguist
If [Reader] could be a psychologist // If [Reader] could be a librarian
If [Reader] could be an athlete // If [Reader] could be a lawyer
If [Reader] could be an innkeeper // If [Reader] could be a professor
If [Reader] could be a writer // If [Reader] could be a backup dancer
If [Reader] could be a llama-rider // If [Reader] could be a bonnie pirate
If [Reader] could be a midget stripper // If [Reader] could be a proctologist
If [Reader] could be a TV-Chat Show host // If [Reader] could be a pariah
If [Reader] could be an actor // If [Reader] could be a judge
If [Reader] could be a Jedi // If [Reader] could be a mob boss
If [Reader] could be a backup singer // If [Reader] could be a CEO
If [Reader] could be a movie reviewer // If [Reader] could be a monkey’s uncle
If [Reader] could be a bible archaeologist //If [Reader] could be a househusband
If [Reader] could be a lifeguard //If [Reader] could be a comic artist
If [Reader] could be a stockbroker//If [Reader] could be a travel writer
If [Reader] could be a food reviewer //If [Reader] could be a politician
If [Reader] could be a male underwear model //If [Reader] could be a fashion designer
If [Reader] could be an game designer // If [Reader] could be a dog-trainer


So here goes Simon's mid-day fantasies:

If Simon could be a Jedi....... I'd take on DARTH VADER one-on-one!!! Bring it on, you tin-can head!!!
If Simon could be a bonnie pirate....... What on earth is a bonnie pirate?!
If Simon could be a lifeguard....... I'd spend my days running slow-motion along the beach in my red swimming trunks...
If Simon could be a comic artist...... I'll spend my whole day sitting in the park enjoying my job!
If Simon could be a politician....... No wait. that will never happen. Hell hasn't frozen over yet.



Now, to inflict this on 3 other bloggers... kimberlycun, sashi and twinsmom! (Darn! most bloggers have been tagged already!)


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Top Ten Signs Traffic in KL is Getting Worse

Top Ten Signs Traffic in KL is Getting Worse by Simon (tomorrow I'll start blogging during traffic jams):

• New Perodua Myvi comes with detachable urinal.
  
  
• SPRINT highway is renamed SPRAINED. The name KESAS is rearranged to spell SESAK.
  
• Office workers start eating breakfast AND morning tea on their way to work…
  
  
• Too many inane blogs about how KL traffic is getting worse.
  
  
• People in Bangkok start referring to KL as ‘the world’s biggest carpark’…
  
  
• Priscilla Patrick is now a famous Malaysian celebrity.
  
  
• Air-Asia introduces 8am PJ to KL flights.
  
  
• The countdown timers on the red traffic lights has THREE digits…
  
  
• Gomen start erecting large TV screens for drivers’ entertainment during traffic jams. (No, wait, that one has already happened…
  
  
• WiFi spots along the Federal Highway.




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Some Forgotten Malaysian Fads II

Further to my blog yesterday, I seem to have remembered a few more forgotten Malaysian fads:


Mosquito rackets – my mom bought these from China before it was sold locally, they were so fun to play with (especially stunning your friends with it). Then everyone had one, they came with double ‘netting’ and even square rackets. In the evening I’d always go to the laundry basket in the dark corner, give it a slight nudge, and swipe all the unsuspecting mosquitoes, until I could smell the smoke. Makes you feel like a jedi master…


Anti-radiation stickers for handphones – someone game me these for my old Ericsson. You’re supposed to stick one near the antennae and another near the ear-piece. Some people I know stick like 6 all over their phones, and swear it works. I’m not really convinced, but bear in mind the electro-magnet in Ericsson phones in those days could attract paper clips and small metal objects… Somehow you don’t see any of these around anymore.


Spiderman toys in the car – at first it was spider-and-web soft toys stuck to the side window. Now you have spiderman sitting on the dashboard. Then there are those miniature MU/Liverpool jerseys. Next few months its gonna be Batman.


T-shirts with giant baby faces on them – Really ugly, man.


T-shirts with ‘Boy London’ or ‘Girl London’ printed on them – not ugly like the baby one, but excuse me, we’re living in Malaysia here… (although I’ve seen one that said ‘Boy Selangor’ before…eewww…)


Pepsi Twist, Fire Pepsi, Ice Pepsi – Long gone and forgotten. I wonder was it worth all the millions spent on advertising?



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Top Ten Reasons for Not Attending NS

Top Ten Reasons for Not Attending NS by Simon (who by the way, is sadly ineligible for NS):

• “I was in Mindanao for 3 months attending military training camp for Al-Qaeda.”
  
  

• “My religion forbids me from wearing ugly blue uniforms.”
  
  
• “I thought Daddy’s ‘connections’ took care of this ‘problem’ for me…?”
  
  
• “I can’t miss my favourite ‘Telenovela Latin Amerika’ at 4pm everyday…”
  
  
• “What National Service? I thought only Singaporeans have that!”
  
  
• “I’m not at liberty to give any comments at this juncture. Please speak to my lawyer.”
  
  
• “Why? is Malaysia at war with Brunei?”
  
  
• “No machine gun-lah, cannot fly F-14-lah, no actual hand-to-hand training one, what kind of ‘National Service’ is this…”
  
  
• “Since the by-elections were coming up, I thought the party election machinery needed my help more.”
  
  
• “If I don’t open my VCD stall, I lose at RM 2000 per night, man! Wah piang eh!!!”

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Some Forgotten Malaysian Fads

Every year people come out with thousands of new or novelty items for sale. Some are genuinely new and great ideas, some are repackaged old products, others are just plain dumb.

Some products sell like hot cakes and take the world by storm (although it may be quite difficult to see why), and then there are those that fail miserably in the market even after heavy promotion in the media.

Generally how can you tell if a product is selling well? You see plenty of imitation versions in pasar malams. But after a few months you’ll see them littered in your room broken or unused.

I can think of a few that has swept Malaysia in recent years:

Tomagotchi – I’ve never owned one let alone play one. But I remember a time when every other kid (and some adults) was feeding this thing. Even my friend’s 55-year mother was addicted. How this can be more engrossing than GameBoy is puzzling. Then there were the copycats, Hong Kong gangster game, Taiwan version, my pet versions, etc. Now thousands of these virtual pets lie decaying in the corner of the owner’s cupboards (alkaline battery probably leaking)

Orange driving glasses – this one was initially sold via Gallery Smartshop on TV. You know, that annoying informercial show that goes “If you call NOW, you will get a SECOND one free! Our operators are waiting…”. Basically, its orange coloured sunglasses, and its suppose make you see clearer while driving, by making everything, uh, orange. Apparently fighter jet pilots and riflemen wear them. Yeah, I bet the US Air Force also bought it from Galeri Smartshop.

Brick game – this one was about 10 years ago, basically it’s a cheap version of the famous Tetris. Even I had one, I bought it in Singapore. It had many different versions; (one was the exploding bricks) but all of them had this really annoying music and sound effect. When I got over my addiction, my dad started to play it, usually until past midnight (and he MUST play it at maximum volume).

Miniature flowers/animals made from coloured straws – At one time every lady in my office had one of these taped to their desks or PC. They were quite creative with it, they could make different kinds of flowers, cats, dogs, T-Rex, USS Nimitz with stealth bombers on board, etc. But as with all fads, this one died down quickly and the ‘masterpieces’ were left in the dust.

Scooter bikes – This fad preceded the current roller shoes craze. Since its was quite expensive, it was mainly for the rich kids. Some 20 years ago I remember there was a similar fad, a unicycle called ‘Le Run’. Anyone remember that?

I’m currently going through another new fad. Its called ‘blogging’.

Top Ten Surprises in the New Star Wars Movie

Top Ten Surprises in the New Star Wars Movie by Simon:

• Wookies are actually Ewoks on growth steroids.
  
  
• Not all stormtroopers are dumb clones; some have PhDs, enjoy classical music and lead meaningful lives.
  
  
• One of the X-wing pilots is Buzz Lightyear.
  
  
• Some retired Jedi masters sell off their old lightsabres on eBay.
  
  
• George Lucas himself makes a cameo in the movie, as alien no. #342 (partially obscured) in Naboo crowd scene.
  
  
• Paris Hilton actually turned down the opportunity to play role of Queen Amidala’s best friend.
  
  
• Yoda is actually Kermit the Frog’s brother.
  
  
• McDonald’s opens fly-thru’ concept restaurant on the newly-constructed Death Star.
  
  
• Tattoine desert scenes were not shot in the Sahara desert, they actually shot in a abandoned mega-construction project site somewhere in KL.
  
  
• Anakin Skywalker is Darth Vader!
  

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Amazing Race: Down to Final Three

Yep, its gonna be the season finale tomorrow. We’re down to the final three teams: in the blue corner, the egomaniacal Rob and Amber, in the red corner, Ron and Kelly the bickering pair and in the green corner, darkhorses Uchenna and Joyce.

It was only exactly 3 months ago that we watched the ‘live’ season finale of AR6, where models Freddie & Kendra beat Kris/Jon and Adam/Rebecca.

Last year we had this annoying show-off called Jonathan who could not stop screaming / harassing / bullying his Playmate wife Victoria. I thought there could not be anyone worse than him until Rob and Amber came along.

I suppose the only reason why Survivor All-Stars “Romber” (as Solb1 Kenobi calls them) pair were invited on the show was to boost the sagging ratings, hopefully to draw-in some of the Survivor audience. No matter how hard the other teams tried to kick them out, Rob & Amber were unbelievably lucky to make it to the finals, helped along by some dirty tactics and misfortune on the other teams.

Let’s review the chances each team has to win the US$1,000,000.

Rob & Amber – One of the reasons they can breeze through the competition is that they are already TV stars and multi-millionaires, there is less pressure on them to win and they know how to play the game to win (Rule #1: Don’t fight about your relationship problems on screen). This single factor is, along with tons of luck and arrogance could win them the prize, but I don’t think any of the audience will be rooting for them. Besides, if they won, what does it say about the producers? That they had to sink to the level of nicking ‘Survivor’ alumni to save their own show?

Ron & Kelly – Good Lord, I really cannot tahan this couple. Kelly cannot stop whining about Ron’s refusal to commit to a relationship. GET A GRIP, WOMAN!!! You’re on AMAZING RACE, not Oprah! If he’s such a loser, just dump him after the show and get on with it!!! She’s a beauty queen, I’m sure she can get a date, instead of this whiner. As for Ron, he just can’t stop bragging about him being a soldier and an ex-POW in Iraq. I’m betting to think his whole squadron got captured upon arrival in Iraq solely due to his ineptness. The guy is such a redneck loser.

Uchenna & Joyce – they’ve been under the radar for a major part of the race. They kind of remind me of Chip & Kim (AR5 winners) in that by being married so long, their relationship is stronger, and know each other far better than a certain beauty queen/ex-POW team. If they can play their cards right, they can stand a good chance to nick it.

Since my favourite team (the brothers) were eliminated, looks like I’m rooting for Uchenna and Joyce. But as we all know, it will come down to a taxi race, then a foot race in the park.


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Rejected Names for Perodua Myvi

As you know, Perodua has launched their latest model Myvi. Yeah, that’s right, that’s the model name. I’m thinking it’s pronounced “Mai-vee” as in “may-be”. I’m not sure it’s a great name, but I think they could have done a lot worse.

I’m always curious about how they come up with names for car models.

Here are probably some suggested names for the new model that got rejected by the managers at Perodua:


Perodua Empat-roda
A bit too obvious for a name.


Perodua Kambing / Kelawar / Kelip-kelip
Keeping with the trend of naming cars after animals starting with ‘K’ (kancil kenari, kelisa, etc)


Perodua MyBaby
Sounds cuter than Myvi, no?


Perodua Evolution III
I’ll admit this name may have already been taken…


Perodua Kompressor
Umm, what kind of ‘compressor’ would they be referring to?


Perodua Tiru Daihatsu
Throw in some Japanese names to add to touch of class, perhaps…


Perodua Peronda
Too bad the execs didn’t like rhyming names.


Perodua Gempak
To pander to all those potential mat rock buyers.


Perodua Jen2
Short for Jenis ke-2. Well, if Proton can do it…


Perodua Not Bad
I kind of like this one.



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EPL: Relegation Dogfight

Looks like things at the top of the EPL are pretty much settled, but at the foot of the table, there is a bitter dogfight going on. Four teams are fighting for premiership survival. Not surprisingly, 3 of them are the newly-promoted freshies – Norwich, Crystal Palace and West Brom – together with the aptly named Southampton. Portsmouth is at 16th place with 39 points, safe from relegation.

I thought at least two of the relegation spots would have been decided last weekend, but with 2 points separating the 4 teams now, it looks like it will only be decided on the last day of the league – this coming weekend.

As it stands, its will mean at least two of the freshie teams will be relegated. In my opinion, it looks like WBA and Palace (even with Andy Johnson) will be likeliest to be playing in Div One next season. These teams need not be reminded of the horrors of relegation – loss of TV money, loss of gate receipts, departure of star players, huge wage bills, etc.

I do not need to mention the difficulty of newly promoted teams to survive in the Premier League, they are up against other teams that far more financial power than them. I’m not just talking of big teams like Chelsea, MU, Liverpool and Arsenal, but teams like Spurs, Villa and Everton have benefited from decades of good TV money (and 13 seasons of EPL sponsorship).

But whichever of the freshie teams that drop down can take a little comfort from the fact that they alone. In the 13 seasons of the EPL, on once did all 3 of the freshies stay alive for more than 1 season – Fulham, Blackburn and Bolton survived their first season in 01/02 and are still in the Prem up until today. But twice (in 93/94 and 97/98) did all three freshie teams go up and down in one season. Hardly good news for Norwich fans. More startling is that for those who survive the first season are more likely to go down in the following campaign.

On the plus side, some teams like Charlton, Newcastle and Birmingham have survived a long time after being promoted.

After some research, I’ve listed below the teams that have only survived one season in the EPL. Further below I’ve listed the complete history of promotion and relegation since the EPL was launched.


One Night Stand (Survived Only One Season in EPL)
92/93- Boro
93/94- Swindon
94/95- Leicester, Crystal Palace
95/96- Bolton
96/97- Sunderland
97/98- Bolton, Barnsley, Palace
98/99- Forest, Charlton
99/00- Watford
00/01- Manchester City
01/02- none
02/03- WBA
03/04- Leicester, Wolves
04/05 - ???

Full history of promotion and relegation in the EPL:
Promoted From Div One
92/93 – Newcastle, Swindon, West Ham
93/94 – Leicester, Palace, Forest
94/95 – Bolton, Boro (only two teams were promoted to reduce EPL size)
95/96 – Sunderland, Derby, Leicester
96/97 – Bolton, Barnsley, Palace
97/98 – Forest, Boro, Charlton
98/99 – Sunderland, Bradford, Watford
99/00 – Charlton, Man City, Ipswich
00/01 - Fulham, Blackburn, Bolton
01/02 – Man City, WBA, Birmingham
02/03 – Portsmouth, Leicester, Wolves
03/04 – Palace, WBA, Norwich
04/05 - Sunderland, Wigan, ???

Relegated from Premiership
92/93 – Palace, Boro, Forest
93/94 – Sheffield United, Oldham, Swindon
94/95 – Palace, Norwich, Leicester, Ipswich (Four teams were relegated to reduce EPL size)
95/96 – Man City, QPR, Bolton
96/97 – Sunderland, Boro, Forest
97/98 – Bolton Barnsley, Palace
98/99 – Charlton, Blackburn, Forest
99/00 – Wimbledon, Wednesday, Watford
00/01 – Man City, Coventry, Bradford
01/02 – Ipswich, Derby, Leicester
02/03 – West Ham, WBA, Sunderland
03/04 – Leicester, Leeds, Wolves
04/05 - ???

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Fit-4-Fun at PJ EFC

Yesterday morning our YWA (Young Working Adults Group) group had a sports day called 'Fit-4-Fun' at PJ EFC. About 60 girls and guys turned for new-rules-style basketball and captainball. Its was fun. Here are some photos managed to upload last night...

(the blogger may or may not be featured in the photos...)


Briefing and grouping before the tip-off...






Yao Ming attempts to dribble pass Shaq there...

Fast-paced action by some former SEA Games medallists...







One last group shot after prize-giving ceremony. It was all sweat, sweat, sweat...








All in all, it was tremendous fun, congrats to Danny, Teck and the others for a job well done.

And oh yeah, my team swept to first place, undefeated in b-ball (we had a certain star-player girl...) but lost once in c-ball... (we may consider any offer to sign pro contracts...)


There were also some minor injuries to keep the medic team happy or they would felt redundant...

Till next year then.

American Idol Down to Last Four

I’ve tried to avoid blogging about the recent American Idol 4, but since it rained in the morning, and the stars are not quite in alignment last night, I’m talking about it anyway.

Scott is out. Finally. I thought he would be first of the 12 to be kicked out, but through some sheer stroke of luck, he has managed to stay to the last 5.

I really don’t know what he has going for him. He has a so-so voice, the personality of a club bouncer, and looks like Rikishi. OK, the last bit was unfair, but let’s face it, the audience votes for good looks.

I don’t have anything against him, but its just that he isn’t too talented, any many others more deserving have been eliminated at his expense, like Anwar, Tanya and Constantine.

But this week he was too arrogant.
Anyway, of the remaining 4, it looks like Airhead Carrie and Mat Rock Bo are the favourites.


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Top 10 Perks of Working at McDonalds

Top Ten Perks of Working at McDonalds:

• Who needs Appeton? With the free meals here, you can gain 10 pounds is 2 weeks!
  
  
• Free buttons and badges for all your fashion needs.
  
  
• Bragging rights over your pals who work for Ramly Burger.
  
  
• That Ronald McDonald guy is SUCH a stud.
  
  
• Valuable on-the-job training can prepare you for future career in…. Burger King.
  
  
• Latest research shows that smelling kitchen smoke and grease reduces chances of colon blockage and herpes.
  
  
• Scrubbing toilets twice a day gives you inner peace and happiness.
  
  
• Red and white stripes go with just anything.
  
  
• Your collection of Happy Meal toys can provide hours and hours of endless entertainment when you’re alone in your own room.
  
  
• Job satisfaction and fantastic career advancement opportunities.

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When Petrol Prices Go Up

When petrol prices go up,
Everybody go pump at Shell,
But they spend 10 minutes queuing up,
Engine running and air con on as well.

The taxi driver in complaining,
His housewife also not happy,
My neighbour also cursing and swearing,
While driving his brand new camry.

‘Why the Gomen so greedy?'
Ask the lorry driver at the coffeshop,
'They go and reduce the subsidy,'
Said his friend who drives a SUV.

'Wahh, like that how can I tahan?!'
Said the boss who has 4 cars already,
'RM1.52 a litre is way too much,
Some more my wife wants another CRV.'

Long time ago when I was in school,
I remember from my geography class.
Petrol is drilled from underground,
It’s all rotting dinosaurs, plants and grass.

But now the price is getting higher,
Making life more difficult for me.
While OPEC is getting richer and richer,
Tomorrow I’ll come to work by LRT.



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One Hundred...

The Hundred Years' War - Europe 1336 to 1565. (it was actually more than 100 years, but don’t ask me why the name is so…)


One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez (still saving money to buy this book…)


Yahoo 10 Years, 100 Moments of the Web (came out a few months ago, good for a few clicks)


The Hundred Secret Senses by Amy Tan (read it some years back. Not a particularly good book)




Anyway, it’s my 100th post for this blog. In just over 3 months.

It's been fun. Here to a few hundred more, eh, Pat?



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Moronic TV Ads by TM

Have you guys seen the new advertisements by TM on the telly these few days? There’s at least two in the series, the earlier one shows Maya Karin (I think it’s her) in a cabaret/Broadway kind of video singing about broadband/communication/telephony or something like that. The second ad features an even more annoying spectacled guy (with suspenders) serenading this dispatch guy.

Well, even if you haven’t seen them, work with me here. You just have to take my word for it: it’s bloody annoying and ludicrous.

Let me just ask the almighty powers that be and their brilliant marketing/advertising executives these following questions:

• What is the whole point or message of these ads? That you guys like low-budget American broadway productions? Or you just like showgirls? Or seeing Maya Karin in a bathtub?
  
• The second ad says something about broadband and “it’s no longer the stone age”. Is that the whole thrust of your marketing campaign? Comparing it to the “stone age”?! Look, a torch light is fantastic compared to the stone age. A mechanical pencil would be a miracle if you gave it to the stone age caveman. I know I’m not a business major with an MBA, but there is a fundamental flaw somewhere in this marketing plan.
  
• Against the backdrop of the recent problems with TM landlines and ‘Screamyx’ (sic), is this really the best time to be putting out these kind of ads?

The cabaret/broadway/showgirls theme is really annoying. Most people I know feel the same way too. I think they were going for the ‘camp’ factor, but hello TM, you’re not selling chocolate candies or toilet bowl cleaners.

This may be asking too much from the brilliant TM marketing execs, but they may want to watch another set of ads making rounds on our telly – the Volvo ‘Life On Board' ads featuring couples in mid-conversation. There’s at least 3 different ones, but my favourite one is where a Chinese bloke is explaining a Mandarin term to a Russian model while in an S80. I’m not a big fan of Volvo cars, but imho that’s one of the best TV ads I’ve ever seen in my life.

This is proof you don’t need a million ringgit budget to produce good, insightful ads that sends your intended message and increases public perception about your company. Or may I just don’t ‘get’ dancing showgirls singing something about ‘broadband’.


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JLo to be Prez: Yeah, sure

Excerpt from Yahoo News yesterday evening...

Jennifer Lopez wants to be first female US president

After conquering Hollywood and the pop charts, Latina superstar Jennifer Lopez says she is ready to wrestle George W. Bush out of the White House.
"I'm a total powerhouse. If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president -- that would be really cool," J.Lo told German celebrity glossy Bravo in an issue to be published Wednesday.

(if you don’t believe me, you can read it here for yourselves…)


Oh, yeah, sure. That can happen. Provided the following pre-requisites are met:

• Voting age in the US is reduced to 15 years old.
• IQ is limited to 48 to be eligible to be vote.
• Democratic Party infiltrated by rap gangsta, recording industry moguls, all her ex-husbands, ex-fiancés, ex—boyfriends, etc. to be elected to run for White House. (I say Democrat coz it ain’t gonna happen in the Republican Party)
• Full backing by former ex-Prez Bill Clinton (this one would be dead easy to get)...

But I won’t be so skeptical. Arnie and Jesse Ventura made it as governors, right?



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